BURNING BIBLE PAGES

looking for somewhere to fit in… we burned bible pages to ink our skin.
and slept in our clothes til the denim was worn, shirts were dirty and torn…
oh, how we laughed…at the morning slaves..
carrying their briefcases straight to the grave.
oh, how we howled…every night at the moon…
the evening could never come too soon.
hey, you kissed me like no other
ever did then and ever has since!
the way you moved your tongue around in my mouth...
the bold language of it and the hints...

we went from ny to chicago to los angeles
we've gotten older but that love was ageless...!
and we spoke in our second language...
as we crossed over the bridge...
oh fucking hell, what times we had...
i'm sorry i wasn't perfect...i was just doin' the best i could
you know it all makes me so sad...
i hold close to me the moments that were good...

OUTSIDERS IN LOVE

looking for somewhere to fit in… we burned bible pages to ink our skin. and slept in our clothes til the denim was worn, shirts were dirty and torn…
oh, how we laughed…at the morning slaves..
carrying their briefcases straight to the grave.
oh, how we howled…every night at the moon…
the evening could never come too soon.
hey, you kissed me like no other
ever did then and ever has since!
the way you moved your tongue around in my mouth...
the bold language of it and the hints...

we went from ny to chicago to los angeles
we've gotten older but that love was ageless...!
and we spoke in our second language...
as we crossed over the bridge...
oh fucking hell, what times we had...
i'm sorry i wasn't perfect...i was just doin' the best i could
you know it all makes me so sad...
i hold close to me the moments that were good...

SICKNESS

let's see…
it's been quite awhile since i've engaged you…lately you just keep popping up everywhere.

it's not like you care that i ignore you now. you took over my life once…remember? i do, baby…

and so the drums begin to pound…in my head.
pound. pound. pound. down.

on a good day nothin' can stop me.
since i decided you could no longer top me.
do ya see that you no longer got me…?

it is truly nice to see you being so popular around town.
but what's going on?
are you that mule everyone in town gets to ride once around…?
when we were lovers, the city was a fairground…
but i'm much better off without you around…baby.

"like fuckin' superman…" I'm told.
did superman grow very old…? I hope so…
hey, how many more do you think will follow
you down that dark road…
yet we always saw the sunrise…didn't we…
through bloodshot wide-open eyes…we always saw the sunrise.

you see, baby, there's no hate here for you
it's just these days you don't work for me anymore…
now i need more.

i still love you.

i guess we all hope to pass comfortably and painlessly
the description written was beautiful…
'like a candle's flame burning bright…on a clear dark night…
a tall glass is placed over it…
and the flame slowly gets smaller…weaker…until it disappears…
leaving a dead wick.
remember when you tried to extinguish me, my love…?
the reality was painful and felt like a shove…

you are always around, always in my face
no worries, i will always win this race
because i use my soul to move forward
i fly around that hole like a blackbird…
the hole that you're down in can't get much deeper
what's there to follow? Who is your keeper.
i am my own, i came here alone
with a fist hitting hard and a crack of the bone

so take it in stride and keep appearing
my impossible love for you was once endearing
when i see you around, i still get fevered
because if i loved you once, i'll love you forever…

baby.

QUEER KISS

I anticipated it for weeks...

I wanted it immediately.
and I felt what was in store...
and I still wanted more...
but not if you weren't sure...

someone spotted the devil in your eyes
and warned me of an impending threat
that may just cut me down to size...
but I wanted to take that bet.

oh, how it was on when we met...
oh, how I wanted your flow and sweat
yet I knew I couldn't trust it...

so you made me wait
for your beautiful queer kiss...
and as my lips parted to yours,
I felt both a hit...and a miss.

...and when that hit did come,
I wondered in my head...
had that kiss actually have been
for someone else instead?

although I don't take lightly
to have been led on...
I'm looking away from you now.
...i'm moving on.

NOTES ON ANTOINE

it was the way you smiled at me
and the way you were hard to read...
your casual ways of keeping it moving
when you talk...
your adorable boy-like face...your beautiful eyes
your rough salt and pepper stubble...
it was the way your lips looked when they were kissing me
from across the table...
and you held my hand...oh...you held my hand...
your fingers lightly rubbing against my skin...
you fished for the right answers...
and I gave them...
your leg brushed against my knee...on purpose.
i slid down in my chair a little
so that my knee was pushing firmly into your inner leg...
you smiled...
i slide down farther until my chest was level with the table...
i chuckled at the thought of how it must look...to the people around us
i hooked my left leg against your right leg and pull it towards me...
you brightened up and asked if I wanted that.
i said yeah...you knew what I meant...
i knew what you meant...


i loved every step of the walk next to you...
i could have walked with you for hours...days...
you kept catching me looking at you...
you would blush just a little...
you excitedly snapped pictures of us...
i rejected every one of them...
you agreed on the inside...
but complimented on the outside....
you were turning frantic...
you were getting last words...
you said to kiss you now...
i did...
we brushed our lips against each other's slowly...softly...
i felt your breath against mine...
i wanted more time...
i wanted to stay that way...
i always want what I can't have....

you are my brother, brother...
a brother from another mother
is what he said and we brothers head to head
fist to fist, life to life, dead to dead....

for you, I would lay down on the tracks.
yeah, my brother, you know I got your back.
with a true friendship, there's nothing at stake,
like the kind of bond nothing can break.

when my head was heavy and my heart was sore
you suddenly came knockin' on my door...
said, "kid, pick your head up, there's more!"
and from that moment forth I suddenly felt sure...

you appeared at the beginning of my re-birth
and made me listen and remember my worth...
yeah, the universe works in mysterious ways,
you make me glad yesterday turned into today...

when I had gotten so low and so sad, so mad
you showed me that things ain't always so bad
like a guardian angel, the brother I never had
you changed up my outlook and for that I am glad

you're my boy, my man, the one with a plan
I respect you, never regret you, I adore you, I'm a fan.
a handshake, a hug and a fuckin' high-five
and I thank the heavens that I'm still alive...

our language transcends the words that we speak
through English, or Spanish, Italian or maybe Greek...
the loyalty stretches around the globe,
universal trust and the heart is so bold.

so come on, my brother, listen up, my bro...
there's a few things that I need you to know...
ours is the world and the world is ours,
you helped turn the weakness into power.

so just lay your head and close your eyes...
I'll whisper softly until you realize
when trusting in people, there is no other
like the man that I'm proud to call my brother.

I'm living for me the best I can
I'm living for you, my brotherman.
I'm living for me the best I can
I'm living for you, my brotherman...

WE'LL CALL HIM PETE

I remember it was gay pride 2002
all my friends were eagerly dressed to party in the streets
I was walking 5th avenue
brushing up against the chicken hawks or anyone else I could meet
my clothes were slept in,
the redneck from Texas was dried up on my chest
I was too much of a mess to score
as the junkie hustling whore role that I played best

Ed screamed out my name at 12th st
and pushed through the crowd to lift me up and spin me around
he held me against his hard body,
his lips against my ear and said, "I got some heroin and ecstasy if you're down"
"come on, baby, let's go to the pier,
and dance by the water and be happy we're gay!"
I had started off just looking
for a trick with drugs or cash and a place to stay...

Ed put the ecstasy in my mouth
right in front of the cops who were too busy keeping the peace
to notice the broken law
we threw in their faces with precision and expertise
we took off our shirts and joined the parade
for Ed I'd always walk the extra mile, the two of us were always super sized
like two half naked poster children
for the modern homo lifestyle holding hands as we skipped off into our demise

we were old pros with confidence
never even thought about the evidence
thinking we were invincible...
and behaving with negligence...

we were over-doing it
and Ed had just been released from a two month stay in a hospital bed
and so we blinded up our blinders
in those days we weren't frightened of overdosing or being dead
we excused the thought politely
and held on tightly like we were strapped into some thrill ride
with our whole lives to kill, we bought more pills
and saddled up on to a white horse named suicide

the Hudson river rolled by
and we rolled through the people dressed in their glitter and drags
we stumbled and laughed
and winked at the all the men and kissed and teased at the fags

the city was pumping all around us
echoing off the buildings and I was in love with the drugs
and I was in love with Ed and his friend Pete
as they held me under their wings and smothered me with kisses and hugs

like guests of honor puking on the floor
we stumbled on and kept doing more with an embrace, a handshake and a shove
the day was a reckless drug-fest
mistaking it for a sense of pride and mistaking it for love

poster of a boy, an accidental broken figurine
the night closed in along with the Methedrine
the ecstasy, heroin and methamphetamine
was a life style that I had often seen...

somewhere along the way we lost Pete
thinking he'd probably had someone to meet
he got lost in the chaotic streets
or maybe to go find another treat

Ed pulled out the heroin by the water's edge
and we snorted it up as we sat on the ledge
and then rolled around and almost fell off the edge
thinking we could never fail on our earned cred...

I confused the dusk with the sunrise
as the lights went dark in my eyes
and the glaze came over our faces like disguise
and at that exact moment I could never realize
how lost we were....

and red roses fell from the sky
and the static filled our ears and our eyes
and our skin was wet and our mouths were dry
and at that there moment I was ready to die

and then he held me close with his lips pressed
tightly against my neck and chest
and said, "out of all of them, Jonny, you're the best"
so I forgot that we were in a love fest

and the crowds fell away into the river
as the high became ours with a breath and a shiver
and our breath became a gasp and a quiver
and there was no way we could ever deliver

and we walked up the west side highway
avoiding eye contact with the police officers
and drowning ourselves in cheap liquor
and spitting on the new condos and offices....

and then suddenly we heard the story of an overdose
that happened down on Christopher street
and we asked the police for a name and info
for reasons which they didn't know

we set off on our own
useless beyond stoned
wondering if Pete was still alone
and if he'd find his way home

only to find along the way
that it was Pete who had lived his last day
and was dead somewhere on Christopher street
probably covered with a sheet

and we looked at each other and wondered why
we had just been with him and we were all high
so blind to see how easy it is to die
without even a chance to say good bye

we cried on each other and headed to Ed's
at this point ourselves feeling like we were dead
collapsing on his dirty bed
trying to remember every word Pete had ever said

.....
don't miss those days
and they're all a haze
I prefer to think of it all as a phase
and thank god I still have my days...

thank god I still have my life.