my anal monologue.aka it hurts (my piece for The Anal Monologues installment @ Dean Johnson's Read for Filth Series at the now closed Rapture Cafe

when Mr. Joe asked me to read for the anal monologues, my reaction was an immediate YES! Anyone who knows me knows that what most people find disgusting or shocking, I find quite normal and sometimes even boring....i figured I’d knock out an essay on fucking someone else’s ass as my own path has been beaten but not very often, contrary to popular belief.

memoirs of my own anus getting fucked are far and few...but if I had kept a diary on all the times I’ve fucked someone else’s ass, well, it would be the size of an encyclopedia....i’m just sayin...im just telling it like it is...im not trying to get props...that’s what straight guys do, isn’t it? in this day and age I don’t even know what straight means anymore...or gay to be honest...especially when it comes to the subject of the evening....anal

so you want to talk about ass? ok,, let’s talk about ass...
the ass. the asshole...i’ve heard it called so many things over the years from different lovers and partners...sometimes being completely turned off to it just from one word and other times getting turned on as hell...just the word ‘hole’ if said correctly...(low growl) hole a... can make one’s mouth water... gay men are extremely creative and inventive when referring to the ass...let’s review some of the words I’ve heard in my many years of being a gay man in NYC...
there’s obviously
anus. and there’s sphincter.
ass. asshole. butt. butthole. oven. dug-out. box. trunk. garage. and one of my favorites-latrine. slut-butt. bud. rosebud. brink. eye. brown eye. winking eye. man-pussy or even just pussy. man-pussy ....slot-not to be confused with slit.
bottom. and in some cases- bottomless pit.
backdoor.
and as my ex-boyfriend Scott used to call it-his heaven! LOL!

depending on the words and the level of arousal, the whole scene can wind up shooting up into the heavens...
or crumbling down into the depths of disappointment and disgust...

so, is the *asshole for fucking? most guys would answer yes to that question...personally, I’m pretty sure it’s for shitting...but as sexual beings we’ve discovered different ways and inventive ideas to use almost all of our body parts to further our need to get turned on, get it on and get it off...i’d be hard-pressed to try and think of one act of perversion or kink that I haven’t tried, whether it be willingly or non-consensually....

i don’t like to call myself a top..or a bottom...as a matter of fact, I don’t like the titles in any sense. sex is sex. I would definitely prefer the word versatile if I had to choose a label but I’ve bottomed enough times to cross the title off the list.
the problem with me is that I want to be a bottom, I just don’t know how to...it hurts! it fucking hurts to have a big dick up my ass!!! finger-fucking, on the other hand, can be fun - like the time I lost my skull ring up a guy’s ass...that was a lot of fun trying to retrieve it...for both of us...
if I’m passionately tongue-kissing a hot man and he slips a finger or two in my ass, I’m bound to start writhing and moaning like a desperate horny bitch...which means, I’m not completely opposed to something entering my asshole. however, although I’m not crazy about the idea of getting fucked by a dude with a finger-sized dick either...
eating ass is also another good one...something about a wet mouth eating, licking with a probing tongue that sends me over the edge as much as eating, licking and probing my own tongue into a clean, tight puckered hole...
but out of all the years I have been sexually active, I honestly can only remember a mere couple of times when I truly understood why some people like to get fucked.! those times when I actually loved that big dick pumping up my ass...and those were all from the same guy...but that is the only credit I could give that guy...ironically, everything else about him was painful...
I understand why some guys.. and girls...love getting reamed up their asses...the idea of getting screwed in the ass is fucking hot to me...
ive looked at dude’s cocks before and thought in my head,
I want that cock up my ass and I want it hard -and fast -and to last!
but every time I try it, it ain’t fun, and I want it to be done, and I want to run. it always ends up feeling uncomfortable and painful.
when I was younger, I tried to convince myself that I hadn’t had the right guy fuck me yet. the right guy would know how to make it feel good, right? well, I’m not so sure that’s the case as I’ve had some very sensitive and attentive men try their best to ensure my pleasure and comfort...and by the end of it I just feel resentment for them due to burning stinging pain in my ass....so then as I got older I started to wonder if it was my fault that I couldn’t enjoy it...maybe I just wasn’t built for it...that’s possible right? I’m still waiting for the right guy to show me the light and free my inner bottom....somebody like..uh...Nick Piston. I think Nick and I would be perfect for each other...painfully or not.

one boyfriend of mine from back in 2001, was very excited to try and teach me the joys of being his pig bottom slut boy and eagerly stepped up to the plate. he would rush home from work every night and call me up saying things like,
“come over, my cock is hard and we got to work on opening up that tight hole of yours.....” I was in love with him...and I did really want to feel his love....deep inside of me - in every way...so I’d drop any plans I may have made and surrender the entire evening to dedicated ass play and experimentation...we were quite inventive in our journey to further my young hole liberation...he had a box of tools in his bedroom that he had thoughtfully acquired to help me learn how to take it like a man.
dildos. vibrators. the ben-wa’s...the whole catalog of sex toys..and then when those options were exhausted, there was the house-hold items...there were candles. screw-driver handles...handles to almost anything within reaching distance...various types of bottles...the electric tooth-brush...(yeah)... the occasional hair brush...and even an umbrella handle – don’t ever try that one...basically anything even remotely phallic would eventually wind up in my ass in efforts to try and open me up...

and then in the kitchen we had our hot dogs, sausages...cucumbers... avacodo...the various vegetables such as squash, and even corn...on the cob, of course...the avacodo never made it into the ring but was delicious none the less...
...he was such a romantic, that one...i would let him try night after night to pry my hole open enough to comfortably allow his big dick to slide in and out of it...
we went through bottles and bottles of lube and when that would run dry we’d use other means of lubrication such as vegetable oil, Vaseline, castor oil, hair conditioner, skin moisturizer-fragrance free, we learned the hard way...and obviously and most commonly...a favorite of mine and his....spit.

we worked hard and passionately at finding the key to unlocking my eager yet apprehensive hole...so that his manhood could be repeatedly validated and my ass could be repeatedly beaten like an abused object...to the point of finding myself at home crying at how much my ass would hurt afterwards...he would start off slow and gentle but as soon as he was too excited I may as well have been a fuck doll to him and he’d start pounding in me like a sledgehammer digging for gold. I would stiffen up and try to push him off and pull away but he’d pin me down and fuck me harder, my cries and pleas to stop becoming inaudible to his aggressive rape-like pounding...this was obviously not going to open me up and relax me enough to become his full-time bottom boy...after two years with him, I began to equate the act of getting fucked with rape...even the most kind and sweetest partners after him would appear like demons whenever in the throws of passion...i would liken myself to the innocent virgin willingly sacrificing my pure hole for the sake of love....LOL!!!
my desperate longing to understand how to feel pleasure from getting fucked in my younger days were sadly over-shadowed by my desperate need to please my partners...i foolishly would put their pleasure first and submit to being unpleasantly poked and filled with insensitive and rough...and usually very big dicks. after-sex, clean-up would often entail wiping away the cum....and blood from my poor hole.
eventually, my opinions and views on anal sex were those of contempt and regret...and shame...i resigned to a strict law of oral only, unless it was my own cock doing the fucking....

thankfully, after a very long ‘bout of abstinence, I was ready to once again explore my opened yet untapped limits of anal pleasure...who better to learn the appreciation of bottoming than from a go go boy... all go go boys are bottoms... they are. I fucked a lot of go go boys in the 90’s. and they all lived to get it in the ass.

J, is what we’ll call him, was a true pro at taking it hard and deep. We’d often disturb my room-mate and even the neighbors with loud thumping and banging around, sometimes rocking the mattress right off the bed frame...
J would scream....
“AH....ah.ah.ah.ah..urggggohhh..yeah...yeah...fuck me! uh.uh fuck me!!! Fuck my hole, man!!! YEAH!!! FUCK IT!!!”
sometimes I felt as if I should be embarrassed...but instead I felt a little proud...i couldn’t possibly imagine myself losing my inhibitions about being penetrated as excitedly and eagerly as him.
“Uh...yeah...you like fucking me, Jonny??? You like that,, stud?”
and clearly I did...
regardless of my bold, confident ability to give it, I still have yet to feel the same enthusiasm on the receiving end of the stick...
obviously, the only way I’ll ever learn is from an experienced, gentle and understanding top man...at this point, i’m not sure if they exist...
it seems to me that almost every guy I hook up with is a bottom...even the ones who claim to be tops usually end up begging me to stick it in...
the last boyfriend I had, harbored such deep issues about getting fucked and would get so upset if I referred to him as a bottom, that he would even start crying...claiming he’s not a bottom
but in fact versatile...
well, I was only going by the fact that every time we had sex, which was often, his ankles would immediately fly up to his ears and his hands would grip his ass cheeks and pull them apart...
i often would have to look down to make sure that my dick was inside of him because his hole was so loose....not kidding...

this is yet another detail that shy’s me away from bottoming...the last thing I want is to have a loose hole... That thought alone is scary enough to keep me comfortably on top...
i mean, what about the regular normal bodily functions...such as shitting? Does it just fall out randomly after years of being pounded by huge dicks or whatever else one may shove up there? The levels of resilience have boundaries too, don’t they? I’ve refused to bottom before because I didn’t feel clean...or empty...but some guys don’t care...a little shit on their dick doesn’t bother them in the least...obviously, it is to be expected but it can also be avoided with some simple precautions that can make everyone involved more comfortable and confident....Scat play is not ever an option for me as anyone who may have caught my last Filth reading knows...

whatever the act...fucking, fingering, eating, etc...i’m always game to experiment and evolve with my anus...
my asshole is still optimistic and hopeful that it may some day fully understand and appreciate...even love getting pounded by a huge dick...or two...or three...that horizon is bright and inviting...and I am a weary yet steadfast explorer....