BURNING BIBLE PAGES

looking for somewhere to fit in… we burned bible pages to ink our skin.
and slept in our clothes til the denim was worn, shirts were dirty and torn…
oh, how we laughed…at the morning slaves..
carrying their briefcases straight to the grave.
oh, how we howled…every night at the moon…
the evening could never come too soon.
hey, you kissed me like no other
ever did then and ever has since!
the way you moved your tongue around in my mouth...
the bold language of it and the hints...

we went from ny to chicago to los angeles
we've gotten older but that love was ageless...!
and we spoke in our second language...
as we crossed over the bridge...
oh fucking hell, what times we had...
i'm sorry i wasn't perfect...i was just doin' the best i could
you know it all makes me so sad...
i hold close to me the moments that were good...

OUTSIDERS IN LOVE

looking for somewhere to fit in… we burned bible pages to ink our skin. and slept in our clothes til the denim was worn, shirts were dirty and torn…
oh, how we laughed…at the morning slaves..
carrying their briefcases straight to the grave.
oh, how we howled…every night at the moon…
the evening could never come too soon.
hey, you kissed me like no other
ever did then and ever has since!
the way you moved your tongue around in my mouth...
the bold language of it and the hints...

we went from ny to chicago to los angeles
we've gotten older but that love was ageless...!
and we spoke in our second language...
as we crossed over the bridge...
oh fucking hell, what times we had...
i'm sorry i wasn't perfect...i was just doin' the best i could
you know it all makes me so sad...
i hold close to me the moments that were good...

SICKNESS

let's see…
it's been quite awhile since i've engaged you…lately you just keep popping up everywhere.

it's not like you care that i ignore you now. you took over my life once…remember? i do, baby…

and so the drums begin to pound…in my head.
pound. pound. pound. down.

on a good day nothin' can stop me.
since i decided you could no longer top me.
do ya see that you no longer got me…?

it is truly nice to see you being so popular around town.
but what's going on?
are you that mule everyone in town gets to ride once around…?
when we were lovers, the city was a fairground…
but i'm much better off without you around…baby.

"like fuckin' superman…" I'm told.
did superman grow very old…? I hope so…
hey, how many more do you think will follow
you down that dark road…
yet we always saw the sunrise…didn't we…
through bloodshot wide-open eyes…we always saw the sunrise.

you see, baby, there's no hate here for you
it's just these days you don't work for me anymore…
now i need more.

i still love you.

i guess we all hope to pass comfortably and painlessly
the description written was beautiful…
'like a candle's flame burning bright…on a clear dark night…
a tall glass is placed over it…
and the flame slowly gets smaller…weaker…until it disappears…
leaving a dead wick.
remember when you tried to extinguish me, my love…?
the reality was painful and felt like a shove…

you are always around, always in my face
no worries, i will always win this race
because i use my soul to move forward
i fly around that hole like a blackbird…
the hole that you're down in can't get much deeper
what's there to follow? Who is your keeper.
i am my own, i came here alone
with a fist hitting hard and a crack of the bone

so take it in stride and keep appearing
my impossible love for you was once endearing
when i see you around, i still get fevered
because if i loved you once, i'll love you forever…

baby.

QUEER KISS

I anticipated it for weeks...

I wanted it immediately.
and I felt what was in store...
and I still wanted more...
but not if you weren't sure...

someone spotted the devil in your eyes
and warned me of an impending threat
that may just cut me down to size...
but I wanted to take that bet.

oh, how it was on when we met...
oh, how I wanted your flow and sweat
yet I knew I couldn't trust it...

so you made me wait
for your beautiful queer kiss...
and as my lips parted to yours,
I felt both a hit...and a miss.

...and when that hit did come,
I wondered in my head...
had that kiss actually have been
for someone else instead?

although I don't take lightly
to have been led on...
I'm looking away from you now.
...i'm moving on.

NOTES ON ANTOINE

it was the way you smiled at me
and the way you were hard to read...
your casual ways of keeping it moving
when you talk...
your adorable boy-like face...your beautiful eyes
your rough salt and pepper stubble...
it was the way your lips looked when they were kissing me
from across the table...
and you held my hand...oh...you held my hand...
your fingers lightly rubbing against my skin...
you fished for the right answers...
and I gave them...
your leg brushed against my knee...on purpose.
i slid down in my chair a little
so that my knee was pushing firmly into your inner leg...
you smiled...
i slide down farther until my chest was level with the table...
i chuckled at the thought of how it must look...to the people around us
i hooked my left leg against your right leg and pull it towards me...
you brightened up and asked if I wanted that.
i said yeah...you knew what I meant...
i knew what you meant...


i loved every step of the walk next to you...
i could have walked with you for hours...days...
you kept catching me looking at you...
you would blush just a little...
you excitedly snapped pictures of us...
i rejected every one of them...
you agreed on the inside...
but complimented on the outside....
you were turning frantic...
you were getting last words...
you said to kiss you now...
i did...
we brushed our lips against each other's slowly...softly...
i felt your breath against mine...
i wanted more time...
i wanted to stay that way...
i always want what I can't have....

you are my brother, brother...
a brother from another mother
is what he said and we brothers head to head
fist to fist, life to life, dead to dead....

for you, I would lay down on the tracks.
yeah, my brother, you know I got your back.
with a true friendship, there's nothing at stake,
like the kind of bond nothing can break.

when my head was heavy and my heart was sore
you suddenly came knockin' on my door...
said, "kid, pick your head up, there's more!"
and from that moment forth I suddenly felt sure...

you appeared at the beginning of my re-birth
and made me listen and remember my worth...
yeah, the universe works in mysterious ways,
you make me glad yesterday turned into today...

when I had gotten so low and so sad, so mad
you showed me that things ain't always so bad
like a guardian angel, the brother I never had
you changed up my outlook and for that I am glad

you're my boy, my man, the one with a plan
I respect you, never regret you, I adore you, I'm a fan.
a handshake, a hug and a fuckin' high-five
and I thank the heavens that I'm still alive...

our language transcends the words that we speak
through English, or Spanish, Italian or maybe Greek...
the loyalty stretches around the globe,
universal trust and the heart is so bold.

so come on, my brother, listen up, my bro...
there's a few things that I need you to know...
ours is the world and the world is ours,
you helped turn the weakness into power.

so just lay your head and close your eyes...
I'll whisper softly until you realize
when trusting in people, there is no other
like the man that I'm proud to call my brother.

I'm living for me the best I can
I'm living for you, my brotherman.
I'm living for me the best I can
I'm living for you, my brotherman...

WE'LL CALL HIM PETE

I remember it was gay pride 2002
all my friends were eagerly dressed to party in the streets
I was walking 5th avenue
brushing up against the chicken hawks or anyone else I could meet
my clothes were slept in,
the redneck from Texas was dried up on my chest
I was too much of a mess to score
as the junkie hustling whore role that I played best

Ed screamed out my name at 12th st
and pushed through the crowd to lift me up and spin me around
he held me against his hard body,
his lips against my ear and said, "I got some heroin and ecstasy if you're down"
"come on, baby, let's go to the pier,
and dance by the water and be happy we're gay!"
I had started off just looking
for a trick with drugs or cash and a place to stay...

Ed put the ecstasy in my mouth
right in front of the cops who were too busy keeping the peace
to notice the broken law
we threw in their faces with precision and expertise
we took off our shirts and joined the parade
for Ed I'd always walk the extra mile, the two of us were always super sized
like two half naked poster children
for the modern homo lifestyle holding hands as we skipped off into our demise

we were old pros with confidence
never even thought about the evidence
thinking we were invincible...
and behaving with negligence...

we were over-doing it
and Ed had just been released from a two month stay in a hospital bed
and so we blinded up our blinders
in those days we weren't frightened of overdosing or being dead
we excused the thought politely
and held on tightly like we were strapped into some thrill ride
with our whole lives to kill, we bought more pills
and saddled up on to a white horse named suicide

the Hudson river rolled by
and we rolled through the people dressed in their glitter and drags
we stumbled and laughed
and winked at the all the men and kissed and teased at the fags

the city was pumping all around us
echoing off the buildings and I was in love with the drugs
and I was in love with Ed and his friend Pete
as they held me under their wings and smothered me with kisses and hugs

like guests of honor puking on the floor
we stumbled on and kept doing more with an embrace, a handshake and a shove
the day was a reckless drug-fest
mistaking it for a sense of pride and mistaking it for love

poster of a boy, an accidental broken figurine
the night closed in along with the Methedrine
the ecstasy, heroin and methamphetamine
was a life style that I had often seen...

somewhere along the way we lost Pete
thinking he'd probably had someone to meet
he got lost in the chaotic streets
or maybe to go find another treat

Ed pulled out the heroin by the water's edge
and we snorted it up as we sat on the ledge
and then rolled around and almost fell off the edge
thinking we could never fail on our earned cred...

I confused the dusk with the sunrise
as the lights went dark in my eyes
and the glaze came over our faces like disguise
and at that exact moment I could never realize
how lost we were....

and red roses fell from the sky
and the static filled our ears and our eyes
and our skin was wet and our mouths were dry
and at that there moment I was ready to die

and then he held me close with his lips pressed
tightly against my neck and chest
and said, "out of all of them, Jonny, you're the best"
so I forgot that we were in a love fest

and the crowds fell away into the river
as the high became ours with a breath and a shiver
and our breath became a gasp and a quiver
and there was no way we could ever deliver

and we walked up the west side highway
avoiding eye contact with the police officers
and drowning ourselves in cheap liquor
and spitting on the new condos and offices....

and then suddenly we heard the story of an overdose
that happened down on Christopher street
and we asked the police for a name and info
for reasons which they didn't know

we set off on our own
useless beyond stoned
wondering if Pete was still alone
and if he'd find his way home

only to find along the way
that it was Pete who had lived his last day
and was dead somewhere on Christopher street
probably covered with a sheet

and we looked at each other and wondered why
we had just been with him and we were all high
so blind to see how easy it is to die
without even a chance to say good bye

we cried on each other and headed to Ed's
at this point ourselves feeling like we were dead
collapsing on his dirty bed
trying to remember every word Pete had ever said

.....
don't miss those days
and they're all a haze
I prefer to think of it all as a phase
and thank god I still have my days...

thank god I still have my life.

TRUE LOVE

because every day was by the skin of my teeth...
because every day belongs to me...
and you won't take goodbye for an answer
and you keep force feeding me your cancer.

have you ever spoken a word that's not a lie?
your face in the sky haunts me, so try
to pull it together before it's too late,
take back all your lies and swallow your hate...

you made it feel like the first time...
you made it feel like the last time...
the mistakes i made in trusting you...
i feel nothing but sympathy for you.

you can't swallow up the world with your ass, kid!
don't spread any more infections like you already did.
your grind don't bump and your bump don't grind,
fuck, how many times will you lose your fucking mind???
before you change your ways and grow the fuck up?
how long will it take for you to finally shut the fuck up?

did ya really think your stories were believable?
did ya think you're bullshit was even conceivable?
you haven't even hit thirty and your hands are already dirty
when you hit rock bottom i doubt anyone will worry

you're a tragedy, a true mistake
ya selfishly grab all you can take
i can't love you anymore
there's way too much at stake....now

REQUIEM FOR A JUNKIE

i remember the early dawn light
when you handed me the pipe
on the rooftop of the Attorney St lofts...
that was the next morning after the party
where hundreds of people over did it...
while the drag queens performed
under the stars...
where that morning the worst hang-over
belonged to the dealer
who lost his stash...
the next night when we shouted with glee
like true junkies...
when we found the five hundred dollars
worth of sparkly white rocks
hidden in a small pouch zipped up in a black fanny pack...

how we would say "never trust a junkie"
when we were scoring on 2nd St...

and how we laughed because only a dealer would wear a fanny pack
and when we laughed because only a stupid dealer would carry this much...
around in a fanny pack
when we decided that we should do the drugs
instead of putting the word out to lost and found...
because the dealer was stupid anyway...
and deserved it...

i remember when you burned your mouth on the crack pipe
and your lips were singed and charred....
and your tongue blew up like a balloon.
and the crack was a fine substitute for the heroin...
that night.
when you flipped out and almost jumped off the six story roof...
as me and her watched you...
too cracked out to do anything...
or care...

and how the skater kids on the corner started laughing
at you walking in the street...
completely naked....
and J*** broke up with me when he came home from work
and found your clothes burnt to a crisp in the bath tub...
and he threw the wet and charred clothes in the trash....
the bible in his hand...
and sixes in our heads....
just like true junkies...

i could never forget when Kelly came home from work
and realized her five hundred dollars
that was hidden under the television
was missing...
just hours after I had sneaked you in to use her shower
and eat her food...
and she screamed at me and accused me...
with your used needle in her hand...
and later that night
yet another club we frequented...
86'd you...
for stealing L***'s tips off the bar...
like a true junkie....

i remember how you could never walk away from danger...
and the fist fights in the streets became a daily occurrence...
and the track marks became infected...
your tattoos melting into raw bloody scabs...
your soul melting in your dilated eyes...
and how I used to have to pull the needles out of your bruised arms...
after you'd nod out in mid-shot...
and I'd check your breathing
to make sure you were still alive...

and every word I sang
became about the highs....
and every moment we roamed these heartless streets...
became about the lows...
and every vein that popped...
became about your inevitable over dose...
not this time but oh so close...

your beautiful body turned into a ravaged zombie...
your tattoos became like smudged water color paintings...
your lips became dry and cracked...
your eyes became lost...
and you could no longer afford the costs...

the way we were speeding towards nothing...
not realizing that death would wait for us...
and that there was nothing
to catch up to...
until there was nothing left to do...
but get high...
but to die...
like reckless soldiers...
who would never grow older...

when you made me realize...
you'd eventually be part of my break down, baby
now get out...
and that your love was just like drama, baby
work it out...
you threw the addictions in my face
as if you were innocent...
when you were the one who turned me on to them...
when you took our love and stomped on it...

i'll throw roses on your coffins...
just like the ones you gave me 14 years ago...

take it all with you
and hold it close to you...
spare me the outcome
of which you've succumbed to...
and baby...rest in peace...

PATIENCE

you've been waiting down the block
you are punk rock.
we went to the same school.
your smile is so cool...
you said my bed was just as warm
as you thought it would be
the sheets were left soaked in sweat
traces of your mouth left on me

i'm not knocking what you've just pulled me into
heroes have a way of lifting up the defeated
i'm surprised that we want to hold the broken parts
filling in the spaces of those who've been deleted

and you laugh at the silliness of it all
like I do...
and you hold me close
like I want you to

and the blemishes fade fast
when you breathe against me
and the ecstasy lasts
even after you've held me

your tattoos impressed the impressive
which is impressive.
when you said mine were,
i was dumbfounded

you said you've been dying to take your shirt off
you said you'd been dying to get him away from me
you assured me it was me who is crazy
for not losing him sooner...

talking about your tattoos...
last night one and one was two...
you've been waiting down the block

i wonder what your glasses have read,
you prefer to take them off instead...
there you are, nothing else, just you
saying' "hey kid, what you want to do?"

whatever your body's been through,
it knows how to work me...just right...
you think it's funny and sad
that I feel I have to thank you
for touching me...because of the trip...
the last guy played on me.

you think it's funny that I'd even still have feelings for him.
and I do...
but not like for you.
now it's all about you...

SOUL-LESS

don't forget that we're all friends...
do all good things have to end?
like love and heroin?
our souls up for auction...

I tell ya the world is cruel
ya know the world it plays the fool...
welcome to the cesspool.
we might just lose our cool.

if it's horns from out your head,
then you'd be better dead...
so trespass on this path,
it ain't hard, do the math.

New York to Paris, France,
fuck me with just a glance,
am I in your thoughts?
is it worth the war I fought?
just learn the lessons taught...

you ain't so tough to me.
I ain't so tough to you.
a kiss or a handshake?
help me with this heartache?
I'm gonna open up the door',
do ya want to cop or score?
I just want us to smile,
because it's been awhile.
ooh, it's been awhile


can't forget the way
the republicans, they say...
say they wanna make it,
say they wanna take it,
am I supposed to fake it?

am I so supposed to learn
when you wish I would burn
in the disease you call hell?
do I have to yell?
ignorance is your hell.

look me in the eye,
promise you won't lie.
I just want us to be happy,
do we got to stay so angry?

say hello or say goodbye,
no need to wonder why,
we got to get along.

you ain't so tough to me,
I ain't so tough to you,
a kiss or a handshake?
help me with this heartache?
I'm gonna open up the door',
do ya want to cop or score?
I just want us to smile
because it's been awhile...
ooh, it's been awhile...


it's crucial to my soul
have you got a soul? a soul....
it is a door or a hole?

we're stuck in a peep hole

looking through a peep hole...

a soul....

have you got one? .......

WET DREAMER

Has anyone ever told you how beautiful you are?
Has anyone ever told you how sexy you are?
C'mon baby, let's go some place...
Where I can hold you against me and stare at your face...
I'll hold you tight and keep you close
I'll calm you down...and give you your dose.
I'll get beneath you; I'll get on top...
I'll push against you until you say stop.
I'll stretch the limit until it rips
and breathe in the whisper from your lips.
C'mon baby, I know you're there
I know you hear me, I know you care...
The bed is still warm and still smells like you
And all the things we're going to do...
when the storm calms down and the demons stop screaming.
Your mouth against mine feels just like dreaming...
push against me, baby, sink your teeth right in...
take a bite of me, have you ever tasted skin?
This is not a dream; it's not a fantasy...
You and I can reach pure ecstasy...
I can't help but move with haste
to get into you, your scent, your taste...
words like, "oh mi amor"
are what's in store
I call you honey, I call you baby...
Come on inside, my sweet baby....
The bed is warm and the candles are lit...

RECOVERY

I want to get there from here
I want to breathe that air
I want to sleep under that moon
I want to breathe...

i remember...

The edge of madness
Was a good friend to me
The toke, the smoke, the snow and the dust
the dope occasionally...
the sweat, the sex and passionate tears
i want that love again
the loyalty among us was genuine
i miss that kind of friend

when we always slept in embrace
my lips were wet, the body, the face
the screaming and madness and the cross
we were fearless in a world of chaos
we were rebels and reckless, we'll never make thirty!
sorry, but our hands got a little dirty

it's long gone from now
we know too much now
it's no longer enough for me
these days I need more
don't come into my house
don't bring it to my door
the harm's been reduced
let's just make a truce
i loved what we had
i didn't dream you
i wish you the best
i'll never forget you...
i can tell you my love for you
could never end
and I know you'll always be missed, my friend.

CRUSH

I wanna get to know you

I wanna see if
…you think I'm crazy
…you think I'm hot
…you're a lover me
…or a lover me not

I want to
…wash my mouth clean with yours
…put you in a pill and swallow you
…smoke your cigarette and incense too
…get you drunk and see what you do

I want to
...wait for you to get off work
...wait for the sun to rise with you
...wait at your back door
...see if you'd stick it through

I want to see
...how far you'd go with me
...if you really care
...just how deep it could be
...if you GOT something to share

drugsandsex.

When I snort coke,
I can think clearly for a moment.
When I smoke crack,
my head detaches itself from the rest of my body.
When I snort heroin,
I feel so good.
When I take ectasy,
I don't wanna fuck,I wanna hug.
When I smoke meth,
I'm full of regret.
When I swallow pills,
I can sleep for days.

When I kiss someone,
I get dizzy.
When I touch a beautiful body,
My hands tremble.
When I suck dick,
I feel sick in my stomach.
When I fuck,
I feel powerful
When I cum,
it feels toxic.

LETTING GO...

because it feels like freedom.
because it feels like revolution.
because it feels like growth.
feels like a solution.
it feels like life.
it feels like death.
wildly unsure.
just like meth.
tastes like sugar.
smells like flowers.
gives me oxygen.
and so much power.
because it feels familiar.
because it feels strange.
because it feels like sane.
because it feels deranged.
bittersweet.
hard to swallow.
because it feels good.
for what's to follow.

words to bite my ass with...

What a liar you are
Your tears aren't real
The drugs and the virus
Won't make you feel
You're covered in hell
You're drenched in tears
You can thank your parents
For your insecurities and fears
You put yourself
On that pedestal
I'll burn it down
And watch you fall
You keep on speeding
Until the end
When Jameson
Will be your only friend
You took my heart
You dragged me under
You left me broken
A rape and plunder
Your dick gets hard on aggression
Your push is a shove
Suicide, anger and depression
Is the way you love
You're drenched in sickness
Any disease you can catch
You douse yourself in gasoline
And I'll light the match
You're a funeral
You've lost your soul
I'll throw the dirt on you
You fucking asshole.

TURN OFF.

I only wanted to turn you on
So why are you turning me off?
I inhaled you so deeply at first
And now you're making me cough

Oh, the young boys...the little boys
With their tattoos and their little toys
Come callin' on me with their naïve voice
Leaving me without a choice

Smokin' my weed and suckin' my dick
Playin' my heart like some other trick
Your resume is a little too thick
I ain't sweatin' this, I'll just take my pick

I could deal you a winning card
I should put you out in the yard
But instead you just want me to fuck you hard.

I am not your porno boy anymore
My dick is not on sale at your toy store
You are filthy
You smell like a whore

CRAZY BABY

Was it just too much for you? I'm all cut up...
You obviously had never been with a real man. The mirror is shattered...
I picked you up in the coffee shop
Told you I just had to know you. The chairs are smashed to pieces....
My lines were met with confusion on your face
Because my game involved more than your ass. There's blood all over the place...
I was too involved too see
That all you wanted was my dick in it. He ripped the blade from my hand...

The world was falling down around me. My lungs can't keep air in them...
I knocked on your door and said,
"Let me in and hold me close,
I got your back, I'll never let you go" How did you get in here?
Just days in you told me that you loved me. My chest hurts...
I didn't realize you had no idea what that was . I'm screaming your name out...
I needed you. You needed help,
I gave you the keys and pretended to be happy. Can you hear me?

You didn't take long to disrespect me
Right in front of my face. You spit on it! You sunk your teeth into it!
How many guys fucked you
Before you got back to my place? Your body feels used and worn out...
I could tell that hole was well dug
When I stood on the edge and looked in. Where did the sunlight go?
I loved you with my lips, my heart, my soul, and my hands. I can't stop scratching...
You loved me back
With your lies, your poppers, your cocaine and booze. I think I overdosed...

How dare you lead me on that way,
For your own devious purposes. You knew it was all about the eyes...
I don't speak the same language as you. You are a psychotic...
Never wanted to. si papi...
My blade is sharper than ever. Slice...
These hands don't tremble for you because
I'd be doing everyone a favor ...just do it!...
If I just killed you. I've stripped it down to the bone...
But a huge part of me
just died a long painful death. The rest is not yet peaceful...
I'm clinging to what's left
And I can't wait for you to meet your suffering. I'm screaming at you now...
You'll probably bend over for it
Just like you did when you met me. Can you hear me yet?
My re-birth includes stumbling
Through the blindness my blood gave to me. Now can you hear me?
I tripped right over you and fell flat on my face. The dog is cowering in the corner... Whimper...whine for me to stop screaming...
That fat ugly broad at the bar
Is clueless to think you're special. Her tits won't fit up your ass...
I'm already looking right past you. You never got my dick hard...
My new mind is existential. If you die then you deserve to...

I won't even pray for you. Get out of my head...
I won't even hope you find your way. Just keep drinking it away...
I don't care enough anymore. You can't be here! You can't stay...
Chickens like you all get chopped one day. You're strutting around in your own shit...
My hatchet is sharper than ever
And I'll put your head on the stump. CHOP...

Fuck you R.C.
Is all I have to say.
Fuck you.


How did you get in here?

you're a waste.

What do you want from me now?
You have nothing I want

Trickster you are...how boring
How do you get off?
You play people like you're playing a board game.
A bored game.

You can find someone else to buzz your head
You could just cut it off instead
Press the buzzer...no one's home
A real true homo clone
I'm watchin' my ass around you
You're spreading yours like you always do
I wouldn't fuck you with someone else's dick
My fist, your face, take a lick.
You make me angry, you make me itch
I said take a lick, you bitch.

You ain't that hairy, kid.
Don't pump yourself up anymore
There ain't no bows or ribbons
wrapped around a filthy whore
You give Gay a bad name
even if your were straight, you'd still be lame

Put the phone to your ear
I ain't on the line
you're just another sad boy
another waste of time....

BIG TALKER

I heard what you said and I don't give a damn
I'm a sweet heart, i know what I am
like a piece of coal with a heart of gold
and those accusations are getting old
the shit you talk smells just like that
what makes you think you know where I'm at
you want a conversation, I've got a few
I'll do my best not to offend you
Rumors are draining and petty at best
I'll drink this down and let you have the rest
i could be your friend, I could be your savior
especially if it requires some bad behavior
i could be your lover or I could be your friend
and you would never have to be alone again

flirt.

Baby...let me have it
I want to breathe your breath
I want to hear you whisper my name
Right before you fuck me to death

i love your touch, I love your flirt
i ain't trying to steal anything
i ain't lookin' for a quick fling
but I also ain't looking for a ring

you make me feel like a man
wrap my arms around you
you make me feel like a bitch
because sometimes I need to

you make me feel fearless
you make me feel fearless
you make me feel fearless
this time I won't be careless

i hope you'll always be here
i hope you'll always laugh with me
a trigger reaction in my heart
did I take too long because I was too blind to see
that first I had to take care of me?

The others never really understood me
All that wasted time has gone and went
Now I see that there's still hope to be happy
I feel like you're a perfect compliment

how did you do that?
Make something so magical seem possible...

4 SKULLS & A CROSS

i remember how your eyebrows frowned when you were drunk
i remember your eyes were always somewhere else
except when you were looking at me
i remember your crooked teeth...turned me on.
i remember your perfect skin was always coated in sweat...
i remember your sweat tasted like water

i remember your soft black curls hanging in your eyes...
i remember your arms were strong and firm when they held me
and the way you pushed against me when we laying down...
i remember how you whispered sweet things in my ear even when you were sleeping...

i remember how even when you were upset, you always had a smile for me...
always.

i remember how nobody has ever understood me
or loved me the way you did...
i remember how I felt like I would never find another person
like you...
and I haven't.
i remember how you predicted you'd die before all of us...
and you took it upon yourself to make sure you did...
i remember how you said you'd never leave me...
even in death...
and you haven't...
i remember you, baby...every day I remember you...
i remember how much I loved you with all of my soul...
and I still do....

DRENCHED...

oh...why do i have to hurt with this?

the pillow case is drenched with tears...
the sheets are wet with cold sweat...
the air is swimming with confusion.

why can't i be blank?
why'd that kiss you gave me have to linger?
why'd you come around? what were you looking for anyway?
why won't i stop craving you?

life is a big fat fucking joke.
love is a big fat fucking lie.
you are a big fucking pain...
in my heart.

i can't put you down.
you were my fastest addiction
and now i want to overdose
on you...

learning from this pain
is not the kind of growth
i was looking for with you...

he sings through me,
"i wonder if you could come and help me...
i want to get from here...to there"
i don't think you can help me...
even if you want to
and that's not where i want to get to.

it only takes one scratch to draw blood...
suddenly you're not scared of my blood
but quick to remind me of the poison in it.

to remind me...
why is my heart broken so easily....

BURNING UP IN THE SHADE

Patient:
pathetic queer kid one million
diagnosis:
the body is wrecked, the mind is fucked.

all he remembers is....

I embraced it so kindly like the lovers that kissed
your lips and then stabbed the back that the nails had missed.

sitting on the speeding train
my mind is speeding, man.
fucked up in this place
can't stop seeing his face
not blaming you, not blaming me
no one's too blame, can't you see?

why can't you just accept...
your life is no better than mine...

you said the drugs would kill me
when actually all they did was thrill me
we're listening to the same song
but you're hearing it all wrong

turns out we don't want the same fucking thing...
so just erase any saved messages.

sitting on the speeding train,
break-neck speed right down the drain.
angry that you pulled out my horns
and then suddenly your skin felt like thorns...
when I touched it...
when you actually allowed me too....

I've burned some of my bridges...
only the ones that were already collapsed
I remember when you were interested
and how you made me relapse

are you an enemy or a friend?
a beginning or an end?
did you mean all of it?
or did you just pretend?

the disregard for feelings was blatant...

do you know how it feels
to be betrayed by the people you once held closest to you?
in the same situation, what would you do?

would I throw it in your face as a weapon...
like you did?

it's ok to accept that we're only human...
after all.
you're so naïve to think a superman exists
inside you...
absurd to think you know what to do...
I wonder if anyone has ever truly loved you.

Absurd.
What'd we get? What'd we let?
to get us here and now we can't forget
the prices that were paid
that motherfucking man was made!
but that was in the shade...

I wish you had acted differently...sensibly...
wish you were walking down this road with me...
it's only leading to sunshine...i'm looking for mine....
I'm looking to get out of the shade.

DOUBLE BARRELED CANNON

do you remember back in the day
when our tattoos stood out and being gay...
was punk rock...
and the junkies and whores hung out on the block...

and our eyes were glazed and our heads in a haze
and we never looked past the present day
and the music was great and the drugs were even better
and we wore our beliefs on our sleeve in one letter...
capitol A with a slash through it
if it meant too far then we would do it
over and over and over again....
never once thinking about the inevitable end

and when we were through
there was no one left standing,
the two of us together
was like a double-barreled canon.
blasting away and we blasted our minds,
not even knowing what we would find...
in a life that felt just like fiction
riddled with tragedies and addiction...

reincarnation '07

...and from this moment on my new life will begin
and I say farewell to this place that I'm in,
and I feel more alive and I feel reborn
and the past is trash, shredded and torn
buried inside with my soul under arrest,
so I ripped it out and put it to rest...
i can tell ya the end was dark and cold
when I glimpsed inside of it for a moment
and with just one breath I was sold
that life is like youth and death quickly gets old,
and my threads were lost within the fold...
like falling down hard and scraping the bottom,
like being fully submerged deep under water...
void of all sound except the breath in my lungs
that was fleeting and weak as my soul came undone...
swallowing life and choking on it,
packing it in a pipe and toking on it...
harvested it well and then crushed all the seeds
and snorted them up 'til my nose began to bleed.

and my head was paralyzed but my brain was in chaos,
i heard a piercing scream, a rumble and a cross...
where the static was buzzing, the reception unclear
and all the pieces were broken except for the mirror
to remind me of how much I missed the mark
and the bottom deceives, and hides in the dark
with it's mouth gaping hungry and it's long pointed claws
poised to rip apart the soul without mercy or pause...
with gasoline tears to cloud and blind my eyes
so that I couldn't even see my impending demise...

i was gasping for air, I was choking in pain
and I felt that no hope or chance could remain...
the clotting, the rotting infection in my brain,
the drugs, the disease, the needle in my vein...
the paste on my tongue and the drip in my throat
from a life-long sickness without an antidote...
stranded in darkness where a cold wind blew
with no memory of the life I once knew...
the pastures were littered with regrets and remorse
and my strength took off running away like wild horse
that circled around me in an endless attack,
a razor against my wrist and a knife in my back...

i was a broken man, a temple in ruins
like a neglectful parent without intuition...
it was a horrifying sight, a black and white,
a wounded soldier without any fight
left in this tortured weak soul of mine,
expiring the due-date well before it's time...
and as I began to choke and convulse and writhe,
pinned down by the demons who would not exorcise
or ease up on the grip that was clenching my heart
so tightly it unraveled and broke right apart...
and the water was thicker than the blood that rippled
and my body fell down like a machine that's been crippled...

i blindly reached out, my hands flailing like knives
as I dropped what was left of all my broken lives...
i stopped fighting the current and let my limbs fall away
and stood before forgiveness with nothing to say...
the pain invaded every piece of my being,
i watched in silence as the saviors began fleeing...
i sunk so low I was looking down on this world
sailing off into the abyss with a death flag unfurled...
my sword pointed high at the end of the plank
and the vision of existence switched off and went blank...

but the breath of death against me was not warm
and the criminals testified without being sworn.
the persecution was angry and emitting a stench
that filled my nose as it approached the bench...
the jury was skull-faced and their presence felt violent
and the lights flickered as the courtroom fell silent...
the verdict was vague yet shrouded with death
and barely heard through a low gravel breath.
they peered out from their hoods, standing all in a row
but the noose that was hung was hanging too low
and I realized my feet were still touching the ground
as I wiggled the hands and the feet that were bound...

I thrashed my body until I began to sway
and then my feet met the ground and the ropes fell away...
the dried-up seed of memory then bloomed like a rose
and it surged throughout me from my head to my toes.
i shook like a leaf and I stood up fast
as the will to fight hit me like a shotgun blast.
suddenly I was blinded by inspiration and light,
i could see a new dawn at the end of the night...
i strained my neck to see beyond the scope
and found myself face to face with a new witness named hope...
and the wild horse was tamed and put back in the stall
still drenched with the stench of drugs and alcohol...
a glimmer of light, in the blackness I stared
and then I climbed up out of that broken chair,
with my head held high I move at great length
never again will I let go of my strength
which had gotten me though a life come undone
to make me realize it's only just begun...

GET REAL

pay attention, maybe you'll learn something.

i know i have...

from up here it seems funny that you think...

i'm wrong.

i'm crazy.

i'm disgusting.

i'm scum.

and you said scum!! 

like my 2nd favorite film!! 

like my next tattoo.

you have no idea what i'm talking about, do you?

DO YOU?

sigh...

that is because you were not listening.

you were not paying attention....AGAIN.

makes me almost want to give up.

it's sad because one day the bell is going to ring

and then your life will be over...

and you won't have learned a goddamned thing!

see how i still have sympathy for your soul?

even though you rejected me as soon as mine got real?!?

REAL.

you know it? 

the breath in your lungs feels it. 

the beat in your heart feels it.

the blood in your veins pumps it..

your refusal to pay attention is real.

your hard-hitting fists are fucking real.

your condescending and degrading views were very fucking real.

your kiss...your touch...they weren't real.

your words...your hand in mine...not real.

my heart ache....real.

my tears...real.

my sadness....real.

love....REAL.

OH MY GOD HE'S DONE IT AGAIN!

"OH MY GOD! he's done it again!!!"

he's come undone, he's unable to blend...in.

the ghosts have visited him almost every night of the entire last year!

what kind of ignorance do you have that makes you think you could fuck with that?!?

i must be the only one who can see that bright light!!!

i suspect it may be a warning flashing in the night.

flash*flash*flash*

reduce your speed.

HA! ya see? you closed your eyes!

obviously you are missing pieces of it all.

you can't see shit with your eyes closed 

so shut the fuck up and try another dose

it always works for me but it ain't all fun

"HE'S DONE IT AGAIN! HE'S COME UNDONE!!"

get off my back. get the fuck off my back.

fuck you.

who the fuck are you?

GET OFF.

i warned you a hundred times

i posted a hundred signs

before i had to take matters into my own hands...

and get you off.

did ya like it?? huh, man?

just close the door and leave on your hat

and while you're at it leave on your boots, 

i want them to scrape my feet right when i shoot...

and we collapse on each other covered in sweat.

"he's done it again!! he's come undone!"

yeah, you liked it!! you fucking loved it!!!

just look how you tapped it, beat it and shoved it.

fuck you and your fists, let go of my wrists

so that i can show you a million middle fingers...

and i will throw in any bit of despair and defeat i can muster up.

so ya better brace your self, i've got a bumpy ride in store for you.

(if you can handle it.)

AND OH MY GOD! I'M GOING TO DO IT AGAIN!!

TRUE LOVE # 2 '01 (from Cryp writing workshop 10/19/08)

there was a time when he smiled every day

and each morning was another chance

for him to take over the world.

there was a time when just the thought of true love

would make his heart beat so hard

that it would feel like a heart attack.

even in his youth he knew he was misunderstood

but it seemed people only spoke of nonsense whenever they could.

yet how many times can someone be misunderstood?

how many storms before the bone turns to wood?

how many pulls before the bone pulls from the socket?

you're out of the game when the ball sinks in the pocket.

he was misunderstood.

he was read like a book.

he was like a cop.

he was a crook.

he would wipe away the tears.

he would lay down with you.

he was him.

and you were you...

hiding deep behind those blue eyes.

you could see the ocean in his pale blue eyes.

and you wondered sometimes...

was that blue just like the summer skies?

or the deepest depths of his painful cries..?

Fucking christ, it's so dark down here.

this is so deep there is no light.

enlightenment can be very dark.

you still haven't got it right... asshole.

"oh man, you haven't changed a fuckin' bit!" he said with a sneer.

"you don't know what you're talking about. YOU are the one who has been stagnant! Frozen!" i said. "I HAVE changed. A LOT! "

but he can't hear me. he's too busy snorting his boyfriend's million dollar blow with disease encrusted straws.

i can see his balding head from the view up here.

CRACKED MIRRORS

this fuckin' kid is...

a bitch. is a lamb. is a wolf. is a cat. is a dog. is a man. is a tear drop.

is a blood drop. 

is a fist. is a tender kiss. is a bullet on the mark you missed.

is a green light. is a caution light. is a red light. 

STOP!

this fuckin' man is...

a child. is a parent. is a boy. is a soldier. is a rebel. is a band-aid. is a bruise.

is the cure.

IS A VIRUS.

this fuckin' queer punk...

is everything all at once... is of the universe.

(POSTER ART BY PRINCE OF POVERTY)

screwed, unglued and tattooed...

every day was hard for him to get through without an attack. his vision would narrow and his head would stand and the thoughts would stray off like balls of fire, each object and decision resembling "swooosh!"
OK, I'M AT THE SUBWAY STATION. WHERE AM I GOING? WHY DID I COME HERE?
often he would turn and go straight back home. home was safe for him from the eyes of passer-by's, cold hearts and shady lies. and he would think, "oh why? why does one lie?" and he would get lost in memories of the abuse. the physical, the mental and the sexual.
and he would feel his father's hand smack down hard on his temple. and he would remember the stairwell in his sister's apartment in the projects. and how his head whirled that evening. only cost him a fractured skull and a fractured nose...and many bruises...oh, and the strangulation marks around his neck. and then he laughs quickly and thinks, 'oh yeah! who could forget that one?'
SHOULD I JUST TELL THEM I WENT TO THE CLINIC? OR SHOULD I BE HONEST? THERE'S NO QUESTION THAT I WILL BE HONEST BUT IF THERE IS PROBLEM WITH HONESTY, TELL ME NOW SO I KNOW HOW YOU STAND.
but he would never really say all that unless he was provoked into frustration and panic. and he felt bringing it up would imply 'pity case'. 'cause it is sad, man. sad man. that's sad, man. and now he remembers to never cry too hard because it scares people away...they put on their brakes on when he speeds up, they speed up when he slows down...and for a while that carousel goes around... because after a long while it becomes more tragic and almost....pointless... because he has a new inspiration to live and it's called love... and it's not any kind he's ever seen before... and it's desperate and longing and exhilarating and strong and funny and happy and thinking and challenging and driving and laughing and crying and feeling...so powerful. oh, and beautiful... but then he remembers that it is fate that his love would be far far away... and he feels heat... and his vision spasms slightly...and he stares down at the sidewalk as he walks along trying to avoid eye contact with that stranger...that fucking bitch from the cafe...that stupid guy from the market, that asshole(s) he stupidly wasted time with a long time ago... the smug looks on their faces look just as pathetic as his mind...he knows that blaming everyone else would be denying a lot of his past and he nods to it as to acknowledge it...but he maintains pride and dignity behind his scars. he continued not to try to understand people...the ones around him got distracted long ago....and some were frightened. and he sighs a heavy breath and raises his eyebrows. 'this life' he thinks in a kind of golly-jee way. he breaths in air as he feels eyes around him. he lets out a heavy sigh of relief. caring eyes. he thanks a god for people who care.

HIV '94

He was the door manager at one of NYC’s hottest clubs. He was the man whose ass you kissed to get past the velvet ropes and enter into drug madness. A beautiful boy with shoulder length black curls and a smile that could melt your heart. Ruling the scene at twenty one years old. I started dating him and we got along great. He was in love but I was not which I didn’t realize until years later. Maybe he’d say the same if he had lived long enough. We were both young skinny rock and roll fags and back then that was still punk rock. Everyone kept telling me.

DUDE, HE’S HIV POSITIVE. HE’S POISONOUS. BE CAREFUL.

People think they’re doing you a favor by exposing something tragic about someone else. I didn’t care if he was or wasn’t. People turn vicious when they’re scared of something because they can’t understand it. This was back when there were no meds, no assistance, no chance. The closest thing to hope was AZT and that sounded even worse than death. Everything is government controlled, you know. Thousands and thousands of people were dying from this new disease called AIDS. The entire world was scared. No cure just horrible death. Turns out he was positive.

AND STOP AND TAKE A MOMENT TO REMEMBER AND MOURN AND HONOR
THOSE WHO DIED.

Testing positive for HIV was still a death sentence. Man will die a horribly painful death weighing in at eighty five pounds on a hospital bed and no one by his side. There’s nothing that can be done. A huge wave of death. A deathwave. Thousands and thousands and thousands of victims. A mass homicide.
I was the last person he spoke to...on the phone. In the end he beats it by jumping off the eleventh floor of a hotel parking garage in the French Quarter. That was crazy. That was heart breaking. Worst of all, that was unnecessary because new medical breakthroughs were unleashed on the masses less than a year later.
There was literally hundreds of people at his funeral. A sea of fishnets, combat boots, and died hair. I was the widow. Ha ha. That’s so funny! Actually, I was fucked up on some pills that somebody handed me the night before. He would have wanted it this way. Wouldn’t he have?

questions.

what is happiness…?
a crisp green paper or a heavy silver coin?
a shot of whiskey? A thickly rolled joint?

a long fat rail of Dominican cocaine?...
a little bit of joy inside each little grain…

is it the drugs that fucked me so nicely for so long?
Or the OD’s and blackouts that wrote all the songs?
How about the adoration that comes with being so angry…?
Until the picture caption reads ‘the bitter, the broken, the ill and me’

Eyes are closed in pain, hands open them NOW
NOW NOW NOW NOW

is it saying, “I love you” to the guy who lies to you?
he’ll turn you red and then he’ll just make you blue…
to be led on is to be shit on which is basically to be pissed on
…left crying in a pool of it for long after he’s gone.



is it the best friend who gently wakes you from a nightmare?
the shoulders to cry on should always be there…

(i remember the first ‘brother’ I’d ever had in my life
came at me from behind with a long sharp knife…
“I wish you had died in the hospital!!!” he hissed in my face.
that wasn’t happiness, that was just disgrace.)

I’m sure by now I’ve been disdainfully and tragically dismissed, deleted, erased from your mind. I’m sure everyone around town knows “how sad I am, because I’m really a sweet guy…but I’m fuckin’ nuts…”, right? Last I heard, you’d said that to a number of people…still counting….or what?
Hearing your accusations around town make me feel like making you the hot topic of conversation, more so than you’ve made me…except you wouldn’t be here to feel it like I am.
I would spare you in advance…and we would both go down in history, baby.
History fucker.


what is sanity…?

more like a semblance of happiness that’s really just a word
that made you chuckle and cringe the first time that you heard…
and the successes and rewards make you feel happy and secure?
In the end won’t make you feel naked and pure…
a façade to fool everyone and right down to yourself?
the wax falls away slowly as it drips down and melts…

you’re melting away.
And I feel happy now…

hardcore until the end.

remember the time he grabbed me as I was walking out the door of that dirty club… on the west side. meat packing district…back when there was still meat in the package… ssshhhhhhhh…..
took a car to queens…the summer moon high up above and I wanted to see what big Joel was made of …
speeding car down the west side…big J took me for a ride…

poppers and champagne in the driver’s seat
speeding the BQE like there was somethin’ to beat
swerving and skidding cuz our eyes weren’t on the road
we fucked on the hood of the car in the cold
our bodies writhing and steaming in the air
we spit on the flesh and that back was bare..
fuck lover, you knew all the right spots
the ones that got hard and made me feel hot…
with bite wounds tomorrow, like it or not…
you sealed that deal as soon as we shot…
(CIRCA 1993)
we had studded leather wrist bands…and we were holding hands…

we strutted the village, we owned avenue A
young and hung and fucking proud to be gay
in the faces of losers screaming, “I’ll kick your ass, you fuckin’ queers…!”
you literally spit in their faces and pissed out your beer.
our heads were like robots and our souls were like guns…
we fired off on the world and burned up in the sun.
super commie queer boy punk rock lipstick thugs…
the OD’s, the lows. the highs. and all the lovely drugs.
yeah, we’d rip out our blue hair to get something to smoke…
and the heroin. the meth. the pills. the coke.

we would never seem to get our fill…all the times you threw up your pills…!

there was also those times that we played out like tricks…
pumping and stroking and wagging our dicks
in the faces of men that were smiling in the dark
handing us 50’s for a fling in the park
right around the corner and down the block
“yeah, that’s it bitch, suck that cock.”
we were getting off for 40 bucks a shot
swallowing the last drop, emptying the pot…
loving like pirates, we were living in ‘sin’…
then you left in a heart beat when your disease kicked in.

for that, I thank you…and FUCK YOU.

11years later, you’re still shootin’ that gun…
fuckin hell, kid, are ya ever gonna be done…
actin’ like such a fool…nothin’ more than a tool
you’ve become a lonely, miserable, staggering old mule…

and it’s not sexy, baby…at all.

I remember I decided to love you forever…

I like the view from here, I’ll stay up here…

my anal monologue.aka it hurts (my piece for The Anal Monologues installment @ Dean Johnson's Read for Filth Series at the now closed Rapture Cafe

when Mr. Joe asked me to read for the anal monologues, my reaction was an immediate YES! Anyone who knows me knows that what most people find disgusting or shocking, I find quite normal and sometimes even boring....i figured I’d knock out an essay on fucking someone else’s ass as my own path has been beaten but not very often, contrary to popular belief.

memoirs of my own anus getting fucked are far and few...but if I had kept a diary on all the times I’ve fucked someone else’s ass, well, it would be the size of an encyclopedia....i’m just sayin...im just telling it like it is...im not trying to get props...that’s what straight guys do, isn’t it? in this day and age I don’t even know what straight means anymore...or gay to be honest...especially when it comes to the subject of the evening....anal

so you want to talk about ass? ok,, let’s talk about ass...
the ass. the asshole...i’ve heard it called so many things over the years from different lovers and partners...sometimes being completely turned off to it just from one word and other times getting turned on as hell...just the word ‘hole’ if said correctly...(low growl) hole a... can make one’s mouth water... gay men are extremely creative and inventive when referring to the ass...let’s review some of the words I’ve heard in my many years of being a gay man in NYC...
there’s obviously
anus. and there’s sphincter.
ass. asshole. butt. butthole. oven. dug-out. box. trunk. garage. and one of my favorites-latrine. slut-butt. bud. rosebud. brink. eye. brown eye. winking eye. man-pussy or even just pussy. man-pussy ....slot-not to be confused with slit.
bottom. and in some cases- bottomless pit.
backdoor.
and as my ex-boyfriend Scott used to call it-his heaven! LOL!

depending on the words and the level of arousal, the whole scene can wind up shooting up into the heavens...
or crumbling down into the depths of disappointment and disgust...

so, is the *asshole for fucking? most guys would answer yes to that question...personally, I’m pretty sure it’s for shitting...but as sexual beings we’ve discovered different ways and inventive ideas to use almost all of our body parts to further our need to get turned on, get it on and get it off...i’d be hard-pressed to try and think of one act of perversion or kink that I haven’t tried, whether it be willingly or non-consensually....

i don’t like to call myself a top..or a bottom...as a matter of fact, I don’t like the titles in any sense. sex is sex. I would definitely prefer the word versatile if I had to choose a label but I’ve bottomed enough times to cross the title off the list.
the problem with me is that I want to be a bottom, I just don’t know how to...it hurts! it fucking hurts to have a big dick up my ass!!! finger-fucking, on the other hand, can be fun - like the time I lost my skull ring up a guy’s ass...that was a lot of fun trying to retrieve it...for both of us...
if I’m passionately tongue-kissing a hot man and he slips a finger or two in my ass, I’m bound to start writhing and moaning like a desperate horny bitch...which means, I’m not completely opposed to something entering my asshole. however, although I’m not crazy about the idea of getting fucked by a dude with a finger-sized dick either...
eating ass is also another good one...something about a wet mouth eating, licking with a probing tongue that sends me over the edge as much as eating, licking and probing my own tongue into a clean, tight puckered hole...
but out of all the years I have been sexually active, I honestly can only remember a mere couple of times when I truly understood why some people like to get fucked.! those times when I actually loved that big dick pumping up my ass...and those were all from the same guy...but that is the only credit I could give that guy...ironically, everything else about him was painful...
I understand why some guys.. and girls...love getting reamed up their asses...the idea of getting screwed in the ass is fucking hot to me...
ive looked at dude’s cocks before and thought in my head,
I want that cock up my ass and I want it hard -and fast -and to last!
but every time I try it, it ain’t fun, and I want it to be done, and I want to run. it always ends up feeling uncomfortable and painful.
when I was younger, I tried to convince myself that I hadn’t had the right guy fuck me yet. the right guy would know how to make it feel good, right? well, I’m not so sure that’s the case as I’ve had some very sensitive and attentive men try their best to ensure my pleasure and comfort...and by the end of it I just feel resentment for them due to burning stinging pain in my ass....so then as I got older I started to wonder if it was my fault that I couldn’t enjoy it...maybe I just wasn’t built for it...that’s possible right? I’m still waiting for the right guy to show me the light and free my inner bottom....somebody like..uh...Nick Piston. I think Nick and I would be perfect for each other...painfully or not.

one boyfriend of mine from back in 2001, was very excited to try and teach me the joys of being his pig bottom slut boy and eagerly stepped up to the plate. he would rush home from work every night and call me up saying things like,
“come over, my cock is hard and we got to work on opening up that tight hole of yours.....” I was in love with him...and I did really want to feel his love....deep inside of me - in every way...so I’d drop any plans I may have made and surrender the entire evening to dedicated ass play and experimentation...we were quite inventive in our journey to further my young hole liberation...he had a box of tools in his bedroom that he had thoughtfully acquired to help me learn how to take it like a man.
dildos. vibrators. the ben-wa’s...the whole catalog of sex toys..and then when those options were exhausted, there was the house-hold items...there were candles. screw-driver handles...handles to almost anything within reaching distance...various types of bottles...the electric tooth-brush...(yeah)... the occasional hair brush...and even an umbrella handle – don’t ever try that one...basically anything even remotely phallic would eventually wind up in my ass in efforts to try and open me up...

and then in the kitchen we had our hot dogs, sausages...cucumbers... avacodo...the various vegetables such as squash, and even corn...on the cob, of course...the avacodo never made it into the ring but was delicious none the less...
...he was such a romantic, that one...i would let him try night after night to pry my hole open enough to comfortably allow his big dick to slide in and out of it...
we went through bottles and bottles of lube and when that would run dry we’d use other means of lubrication such as vegetable oil, Vaseline, castor oil, hair conditioner, skin moisturizer-fragrance free, we learned the hard way...and obviously and most commonly...a favorite of mine and his....spit.

we worked hard and passionately at finding the key to unlocking my eager yet apprehensive hole...so that his manhood could be repeatedly validated and my ass could be repeatedly beaten like an abused object...to the point of finding myself at home crying at how much my ass would hurt afterwards...he would start off slow and gentle but as soon as he was too excited I may as well have been a fuck doll to him and he’d start pounding in me like a sledgehammer digging for gold. I would stiffen up and try to push him off and pull away but he’d pin me down and fuck me harder, my cries and pleas to stop becoming inaudible to his aggressive rape-like pounding...this was obviously not going to open me up and relax me enough to become his full-time bottom boy...after two years with him, I began to equate the act of getting fucked with rape...even the most kind and sweetest partners after him would appear like demons whenever in the throws of passion...i would liken myself to the innocent virgin willingly sacrificing my pure hole for the sake of love....LOL!!!
my desperate longing to understand how to feel pleasure from getting fucked in my younger days were sadly over-shadowed by my desperate need to please my partners...i foolishly would put their pleasure first and submit to being unpleasantly poked and filled with insensitive and rough...and usually very big dicks. after-sex, clean-up would often entail wiping away the cum....and blood from my poor hole.
eventually, my opinions and views on anal sex were those of contempt and regret...and shame...i resigned to a strict law of oral only, unless it was my own cock doing the fucking....

thankfully, after a very long ‘bout of abstinence, I was ready to once again explore my opened yet untapped limits of anal pleasure...who better to learn the appreciation of bottoming than from a go go boy... all go go boys are bottoms... they are. I fucked a lot of go go boys in the 90’s. and they all lived to get it in the ass.

J, is what we’ll call him, was a true pro at taking it hard and deep. We’d often disturb my room-mate and even the neighbors with loud thumping and banging around, sometimes rocking the mattress right off the bed frame...
J would scream....
“AH....ah.ah.ah.ah..urggggohhh..yeah...yeah...fuck me! uh.uh fuck me!!! Fuck my hole, man!!! YEAH!!! FUCK IT!!!”
sometimes I felt as if I should be embarrassed...but instead I felt a little proud...i couldn’t possibly imagine myself losing my inhibitions about being penetrated as excitedly and eagerly as him.
“Uh...yeah...you like fucking me, Jonny??? You like that,, stud?”
and clearly I did...
regardless of my bold, confident ability to give it, I still have yet to feel the same enthusiasm on the receiving end of the stick...
obviously, the only way I’ll ever learn is from an experienced, gentle and understanding top man...at this point, i’m not sure if they exist...
it seems to me that almost every guy I hook up with is a bottom...even the ones who claim to be tops usually end up begging me to stick it in...
the last boyfriend I had, harbored such deep issues about getting fucked and would get so upset if I referred to him as a bottom, that he would even start crying...claiming he’s not a bottom
but in fact versatile...
well, I was only going by the fact that every time we had sex, which was often, his ankles would immediately fly up to his ears and his hands would grip his ass cheeks and pull them apart...
i often would have to look down to make sure that my dick was inside of him because his hole was so loose....not kidding...

this is yet another detail that shy’s me away from bottoming...the last thing I want is to have a loose hole... That thought alone is scary enough to keep me comfortably on top...
i mean, what about the regular normal bodily functions...such as shitting? Does it just fall out randomly after years of being pounded by huge dicks or whatever else one may shove up there? The levels of resilience have boundaries too, don’t they? I’ve refused to bottom before because I didn’t feel clean...or empty...but some guys don’t care...a little shit on their dick doesn’t bother them in the least...obviously, it is to be expected but it can also be avoided with some simple precautions that can make everyone involved more comfortable and confident....Scat play is not ever an option for me as anyone who may have caught my last Filth reading knows...

whatever the act...fucking, fingering, eating, etc...i’m always game to experiment and evolve with my anus...
my asshole is still optimistic and hopeful that it may some day fully understand and appreciate...even love getting pounded by a huge dick...or two...or three...that horizon is bright and inviting...and I am a weary yet steadfast explorer....

the wolf ( my last reading at Dean Johnson's Reaqding for Filth Series at the now closed Rapture Cafe in Brooklyn.

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